"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain
"I just
love the French. They taste like chicken!"
While speaking to the
Hoover Institution today, Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld was asked this question:
"Could you tell
us why to date at least the Administration doesn't favor direct talks with the
North Korean government? After all, we're talking with the French."
The Secretary smiled
and replied:
"I'm not going
there!"
"I would
rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
"Going to
war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman
Schwartzkopf
"We can
stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
----
Marge Simpson
"As far
as I'm concerned, war always means failure" "As far
as France is concerned, you're right."
"The only
time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris
sipping coffee."
---
Regis Philbin There was a
Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in
a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as
it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went
completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud
slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the
Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his
hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was
thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed
him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella
must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped
for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the
train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that
French bastard again.'
"The French are a
smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the
citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups
of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large
glasses of whiskey I don't know."
---
P.J O'Rourke (1989) Next time there's a war in
Europe, the loser has to keep France.
An
old saying:
"You
know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who
was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for
it."
---John
McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know
why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he
loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is
French, people."
--Conan
O'Brien
"I don't
know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of
Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
"The last
time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a
German flag."
--David
Letterman
REPLACEMENTS
FOR THE How many
Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? Parlez-vous francais???
----
Hannibal Lecter
--- General George S. Patton
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
---Rush Limbaugh
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.
---Jay Leno
FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's Fool” by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
The jokes have taken on a life of
their own. Americans love them. For instance, Jay Leno says it's no surprise
the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us
get Germany out of France, either.
Still, it's essential for them to
join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
And why are French streets
tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade.
How many Frenchmen does it take to
defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen
with their hands up? -The army.
How many gears does a French tank
have? Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).
Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French
humor. "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found
truffles in Iraq," Miller says.
"The French are always
reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than
willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."
That last one is more than a joke.
It's shrewd commentary. It captures why the French make such poor allies. When
they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago and declared Americans must close down
their bases in France,
Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a
bitterly caustic response. Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in
Normandy, too, and take them home?
No French answer was recorded.
"You can always count on the
French to be there when they need us!